Friday, January 16, 2009

Review #9 - My Inner Conscious

What I'm Reviewing: A voice
Whose!? : That of my inner conscious
Voice Type: Baritone
A Graphical Representation:

"YOU LOWLIFE! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT A PIECE OF WORMY TRASH YOU ARE!? WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE A HERMIT? CAUSE THAT'S WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN IF YOU CONTINUE ALONG ON THIS TRACK!"

You see what I have to live with? I mean, who does this "inner voice" dude think he is? I thought I was awesome, but then I went and blew one of those fleeting chances that we're all privy to now and again (believe me, this wasn't even anything big. I just suck at dating) and for some reason the alert status that colors the inside of my mind goes from orange to blue to RED. Unfortunately, the outsides of my ears make the same transitions.

"BUT DOUCHE BAG, YOU DIDN'T BLOW JUST "ONE"! YOUR MULTIPLE MINOR FAILURES IN LIFE ARE LAYERED AND COMPLEX!"


What so I can't be awesome? Uno momento, pal. Wait just a minute there, Paco. Hold the phone, D'jonne! Look at the key word, "MINOR". These aren't big life decisions I screw up, so let's tone it down buddy. This blog is not supposed to be a dialogue between me and my guilty, pissed off conscience. There's no laughs there! It's supposed to be a dialogue between myself and the reader. Not to mention, it helps to have a m-- STOP NARRATING YOUR SLOW-ASS THOUGHT PROCESS LAME-COB! Oh wow, real original there douche. Who does this guy think he is? I'll tell you what he isn't: A nice guy.

We all walk around with Brechtian-voiced outlooks blaring over the various actions we make (except, of course, for the odd apple whose mental outlooks on life are all based on the Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard) . My inner conscious likes to get to the point where it edges close enough to the recesses of my brain to kick me in the balls.
As I manage to accidentally execute this action to myself on a regular basis frankly, I think the inner voice is overstepping his barriers. This review is my way of kicking my conscious back. Right in the BALLS!

I remember back in the early days, Inner Voice would say things like "merrygoround! merrygoROUND!" and "ALF!!!! ALF ALF ALF! Pizza?". Unfortunately, he got a little too well-articulated for his own good. These days, my inner conscious reads through my life choices and studies them scrupulously (a pointless endeavor). He finds patterns that emerge and, like a big knowitall, points them out and makes me feel like a blue-collar sack-o'-potatoes amongst the high council of elder scholars.

Now, while some may say, "Jacob, mellow out, eat some pears, drink some blood if you have to", I've decided for once, to stray away from the vampiric approach of dealing with my problems. I'd rather confront them with an audience (as isolated a readership it is). You see my friends, I carry a heavy gavel with this blog. It has been shown in the past that whoever recieved a bad review ended up losing any attention he/she/it once commanded and,
shortly thereafter, had me thinking about something completely unrelated. This is merely a side-effect of this entry.

The real reason I'm writing this is to cast out not only my own inner conscious (be it guilty, maddened, or happy) but also yours, reader. For if you are noble as I think you are, you've come to accept the fact that those voices telling you not to eat your grandfather's Jello are mere claptrap. Do away with them; eat that bowl of jello. Fear not whatever consequences your actions may bring as guilt and self-loathing shall simply cease to exist.

And so, I accept my label as a harbinger of good fortune. May yours and my own mind never yell at us again.

TOTAL STAR JUDGMENT:

This star means EVIL. Tread not in it's slow cosmic valleys of madness. HA! RIGHT IN THE BALLS!

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