Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Review #4: Anahit!

What I'm Reviewing: An Electronic Mail Message
Subject Heading: "I Will Wait Yours For The Letter"
Author: Anahit Nahapetian, ghostwritten by alias Jared Wade (apparently)
Original Message:

"
Hello the dear friend! My name Anahit. On my email address has come spam letter with yours email the address, and I have decided to write the message to you. I wish to get acquainted, and to study you more close. Probably, very soon we will good friends, and can even more than friends. I Do not know what to tell about me directly. If you wish to study me closer. Then you can, write to me on my e-mail: anahitnahapetian@gmail.com I hope, that already very soon we can study the friend about The friend a lot of the new information as it is very important for me. I Will be glad to answer all your questions and in the following Letters, and I will necessarily write you big quantities of the information rather. I will wait yours for the letter. I am obligatory to poison to you much Photos, I hope, that you will like my pictures. Anahit!
"
Attached Photo:



















So it would seem that romance has finally come my way after tireless waiting. I know there's a cold, detached mentality that people identify with finding a relationship over the internet, but dammit, a man needs happiness in his life. Said man has found said happiness in the above said letter. Need I say said more? It would said so.

Yes, Anahit, through her brutally broken but prosaic grasp on the English language has found a way to my heart. Now, I don't remember sending a spam letter with hers the email address, as Anahit would say, but if someone had sent her my picture, what's the harm? I'm just going to have to find out which one of my sly friends is playing cupid in this cyber union. Of course, Anahit could mean that our names appeared on the same list of which one of those annoying fucking spam letters was sent (Still waiting for those stock-priced orders of vicadin, viagra, and vagisil). Clearly poetic justice has wrung out by inspiring her letter of love to fall into my hotmail junk mail folder.

Either way, the details are petty and pointless. I'll just get those "big quantities of information rather" (CUUUTTEE!!!) through what most definitely will evolve into a romantically fueled e-rapport. She has a gmail account too, so she must be smart. She's just using the hotmail account of her friend, Jared, in order to show that I can trust her. Jared Wade sounds like a person I could be friends with, and what better way to meet the person you may eventually marry but by proxy to someone who seems like they could be cool justifiable only by their first and last name? That's how I've met everyone I've been romantically interested in. Ever.

As a piece of electronic mail, I'm pretty sure this is the best one I've ever gotten. It sure beats legions of things in my usual inbox from hollow-minded supermodels with the inordinately quizzical topic headings like "Jacob, what are you up to tomorrow", "Is this date ever going to happen", "stop calling my house", and "book-club meeting tonight". Sorry gals. I've got the love bug.

Plus, to all the guys reading this, did you see that picture? HO HO HO! I was thinking the same thing. Regardless, I now have a line of Anahit posters, place mats, and mugs filling their respective places in my house and neighbor's houses. I've forced my pets to wear masks of her face which I've repeatedly been kissing as well. But that one photo of a pensive Anahit!, while being beautiful is pleasantly engrained in my brain and I wish for more. I therefore sent this letter to Anahit after much deliberation. I tried to appeal to the vernacular that was so characterisitic of the above email:

Dear Anahit!

Until the time that now is, I've never found someone with such mind a matches my own, with ravishing beautiful portrait to match. I very would much like close study you and poison my own
photos to you if permission you grant. Love is challenge for everyday problem misunderstoods of war on indivualism, bad terror, and a loss of economy men fighters. I want to the warrior of awful oppressive force times three of abstract confusion, but I can only do it with sidled you by my hip.

I know you origin want so if that we could become good friends, but better than big time friend you and me will have to become. Without project your personal identity attributes, your excited aura has magical penetrate the dream world of Jacob. But I do wish to study you at closer
a perspecting. To do that, I ask now:
1. What is your income like?
2. How do you feel about being the primary money-earner of a household while your manly husband stays home to take care of what will most probably be 15 or more children?
3. What is your opinion on true love and nature of happiness?
4. What is your breast size, in North American alphabetical measurement?
5. How do you feel about multiple wives?
6. How partial are you to the name "Anahit"?
7. What is your credit card number? This is important to the registration process.
8. The world of erotic video is incredibly lucrative, don't you agree?
9. Do you object to me taking homevideos of our eventual marriage and other general happenings of our relationship?
10. If b
ad luck occured and you gave birth to an ugly child, what would you think about donating it to an adoption agency?

I love answer to obligatory, so it would be untortuous if you the answer each. I would also like to inquire about having at least 25 more photos of you, all at different angles and different state of undress (optional, but more artistic) I will wait yours for the answers and the photos. I have attached personal photo/taken on monday, usually more girls around house.

Jacob!!!!!!!!!!*


Attached Photo:















So, as soon as I recieve my answer, I believe I'll have beaten the ideology of a little pop song by a certain Elvis Presley lad:

"
This time Im gonna take it myself
And put it right in her hand.
And if it comes back the very next day
Then Ill understand - the writing on it
Return to sender, address unknown.
No such number, no such zone."

Fuck you Elvis! True love reigns! To the email that will shape my romantic future!

TOTAL STAR JUDGMENT:





*the amount of exclamation marks after one's name denotes one's value in society.

3 comments:

Mr. Noe Schitt-Sherlocke said...

Jacob,

Your a bona-fide genius. Your writing skills are the quintessential words of an intellectual marvel; a prodigy.

I love you Mr. Jacobson, lol...

Corey

Arev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Arev said...

I wonder why Armenian girls are getting so crazy to write such kind of letter to someone... it's so sad...