Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Review #2: Cobalt 5 Chewing Gum

What I'm Reviewing: Chewing Gum
Title: 5 "Cobalt" Chewing Gum
Company: Wrigley Canada
Found @: Any Department Store/Depanneur (but honestly, you could get a whole pack second hand at most bus stops)
Other Available Flavors: I don't know.. pink, green, and yellow possibly. Mmm! Yellow!

So right now I'm just finishing off a bit of whiskey that was left off from two Halloween parties. To answer your question, I was dressed as the Late, Great Hunter S. Thompson. The first party was filled with teenagers, so only about 1/8th of the people there "got" what I was. The rest of them just thought I was weird. I had shaved though, so I don't think I came off as twenty years old. Luckily I ended up going to another party at my good friend Aaron's, where the ratio of people who did get my costume to uncultured bipeds (and by culture, I mean the "drug" culture (as if there are any other (too many parentheses? (nah) You're right) cultures out there; if anything they're just evolutionary steps to get to the drug culture))WHOA! I hope you remembered your BEDMAS! Or were you one of those weird kids who went to a high school where they called it "BEMDAS". Loadashit if ya ask me.

Back to the drug culture. As the sixties glazed upon the hard ugly core that was the seventies, everyone stayed happily dazed and confused out of their heads man. Then the eighties hit and people were listening to Slick Rick and watching Michelle Pfeiffer do blow. Then drugs became "cool" and of course quickly "uncool". It was a transition. But the trend had to go somewhere and the drug craze turned into a gum craze.

A few days ago, I was with a lady and she wanted to get gum. Actually she wanted me to get gum. I explained to her that there were two types of people in this world: Those who bought gum, and those didn't buy gum (but ended up leeching gum off all those who did have gum). I am a member of the latter, so buying gum was a difficulty. Luckily I used tact and chose "Cobalt 5 Chewing Gum". I say tact for a reason, and I'll get back to this.

Well before I get into the actual gum itself, let's take a look at the packaging. It looks like a small pack of cigarettes painted black and blue with a big number 5 on the side. It's fairly portable and the design reflects what looks to be a Clubbing lifestyle:

So I obviously took a liking to it off the bat! Or should I say... off the CLUB! Or if this is a nightlife thing, maybe it's off the hook! Like those great shirts! I wanna wear one while hitting a seal with a meathook and chewing some 5 gum. I think everyone would immediately get the tangential references I was making and starting rolling on the ground giggling their juicy little eyes out of their head. Then they'd be able to turn their own eyeballs around to reflect on what awful people they really are.

I will admit, before that fateful night, I had tried this gum before. I knew the flavour lasted a long time per piece. I didn't just make a gum playlist and put it on shuffle. That'd be aimless and I can't lead that kind of lifestyle. This is where the tact came in. We had been drinking some coffee and our breath smelled about the same as 5 year old seasoned apples in one of Angus Young's old geezer schoolboy socks after hitting a young germy hobo in the mouth. So naturally, I bought the long lasting flavor. BUY THIS GUM, I HAVE A FEELING THEY'LL SPONSOR MY BLOG! BUY 5 CHEWING GUM!

Not only does it get the taste of coffee out of your mouth, but it's also great for getting the moist, fermented taste of Wrigley Chewing gum executives' assholes off your freshly puckered lips. I'm chewing some as we speak.

But seriously, compared to your other stick-form gums. Like say, a certain fruit which is juicy, there's no comparison. 5 kicks Jewsy Froot's ass (lawsuit? what lawsuit).

Now let's reflect on 5's brand image as a company. They depend a lot on their advertising and PR. You can tell by the insanely overpriced commercial where the girl turns on a fountain and then holy crap: there's pink water everywhere. They could have saved money by just shooting that one here in Chateauguay. The water's so polluted, it's actually taken on a rainbowy texture. There are colors I can see in the Chateauguay river, that I didn't know could be properly reflected by conventional sunlight. Indigo for example.

Right, so about the whiskey I've been finishing off in the past hour. I realized I would have breath that stunk of whiskey, and in the off chance that I ran into one of my parents where I live at 2 AM on a Wednesday morning, I decided to get the 5 gum that I bought at that choice time when my breath had stunk of apples-in-socks. This got me thinking, hey! I could just do this in the daytime in a civil atmosphere, be drunk all day, and the great long lasting flavor of 5 would keep everyone guessing. So tomorrow Jacob's gonna buy a big ol' bottle of Jameson's whiskey and 8 packs of 5 chewing gum and foster a new daily habit.

Thanks Wrigley!

TAL STAR JUDGEMENT: 5 stars for 5 Chewing Gum! NO SHIT!


Anonymous said...

I just looked up what BEDMAS means, I wish I had known this back when I actually took math classes and maybe I wouldn't have sucked so much at it.

Mel said...

how drunk were you when you wrote this?

Jacob said...

Well, mel, I actually wasn't drunk at all.

A shade tipsy. But barely that even.

mel said...

well you sounded drunk :O oh no she DI-INT! yes I did .

look i stole your joke